I Woke Up This Morning...

I woke up this morning and had something to say. This is on my chest so heavy this morning, I felt like it was only right to do a blog about it. This year has been so challenging for me. I can only base my challenges in my own discretion of what’s hard and what’s not, so please hold your judgement.

The hardest thing I have had to endure these last 2 years is losing friends that I really thought were mine for life. Having to realize that I must create my own world that I enjoy living in. I can’t put my happiness into the hands of those around me because no one can make me happy, but me. I’ve had to swallow the hard pill of facing the facts and chalking shit up to “you lose some, you win some”, which is exactly how I’ve been feeling.

I’m a friend girl, I love my people. I feel bad when me and my people aren’t in a good place, but I’m big on self-awareness, so I understand my part in a lot of things. I know what I would have done differently, and some shit really had nothing to do with me, so there’s that. One thing this has taught me though, is that you can’t fix everything. I usually am the one to reach out to someone first, check on someone or even mend a relationship, but that’s just not me anymore. If you leave without telling me why, if you get distant and never talk to me about it, that’s on you. I’m just too old to make people speak up when they don’t like something. However, this blog isn’t about that though, It’s about me, it’s about my awakening to solitude.

The more people I lose, or get distant with, the more I notice this is God forcing me into focusing on my relationship with him. I pray, I talk to God, I thank him, but I know I don’t do it as much as I should. I don’t read or understand the Bible. I forget to thank him when I’m having great days. I feel sad towards him when something goes wrong and I’m sure this just all cracks down to it being some holes in our relationship. My biggest question though, is how do I fix it?

I have always believed in God; I have always known he was the source behind so many blessings in my life. I just never really understood who he is/was. Or how to correctly use him in my life. I hope that I can embrace this time and find a good relationship with him. It honestly scares me how much God can change your life in an instant and force you to pay attention to things you never wanted to pay attention to. Has anyone else ever experienced this? What did you do? How did you balance your relationship with God?

My biggest fear is that I focus so much on fixing my relationships, that I lose myself. I don’t want that, I never have. I love being around people who love being around me. But I also am such a sensitive person that I take everything personal. It’s something I have had to learn about myself, because if I didn’t, I would be upset a lot. I also had to understand that everybody is not me, and that’s okay. But it’s just like I want my own person who pours into me just as much as I pour into them.

Maybe this season of building my relationship with God will teach me how to be a better woman, a better friend, a better daughter, a better me. I know everything happens for a reason and life goes on regardless of what we go through, I just hope I figure this out before my mind explodes. I feel so empty, so sad, so betrayed, so alone, so abandoned. I feel like I have to do everything on my own. It just sucks feeling like you’re always so serious and everyone is out just living life. I just want to be free of my thoughts, my pain, my emotions, but I also know I have to live in those emotions and embrace them.

God, please help open my eyes to your world. Please help me to focus on myself and to be okay with being alone. Please help me settle my feelings and find a way to put them in your hands, so that you can help me fix them. Please heal me, please help me understand this past year. Help me to not be fearful of my future, but hopeful that I am worthy of good things and good people. Help me to embrace my world, my life, and the people in it. Help me to put you first and myself immediately after. Help me to embrace this journey and to never forget that I always have you.

Thanks for reading, I don’t know if this even made sense or even resonates with anyone, but I had some things I needed to get off my chest. I've been learning to put it out there, be open, be vulnerable. That's the whole purpose of this blog. It's to be me and not to hide that part of myself. The emotional side, the side that get's angry, sad, frustrated. I just want everyone to know it's okay to express how you feel. Happy Sunday and the “Opened Blog” series is still dropping later today.